You know that I'm no good.

There are moments when I wish I was heartbroken, so that I can cry myself to sleep to these tunes.

Happy Hoe-lidays Everyone (;

Shut the fuck up, you're beautiful.

Ambrosia, you're growing oh so healthy (;

562

I take interest in telling my grandparents the smell is coming from my neighbors house, through my window.

2010

has been good to me...

Day23:The Last Person You Kissed

To Luis...

Our love sprouted when you surprised me with a phone call this one particular school night.

-Hello?

Hey this is Luis

-WHO? Which Luis?Pink Luis?Curly haired Luis?

Quiet Luis

-Ohh hey whats up?

(Gets to know each other)Blah Blah Blah

I quickly swooned over you. You and I shared thoughts, secrets and fears that were greater than the two of us. My cherish-able memory was the night when You, I and several of our friends went to an elevated area of Elysian Park overlooking the city. We take in the view, utter words here and there, then finally sit down on the cold pavement. Then comes the dare game. Everyone had their share of dares, when finally comes my turn. It was obvious that they were going to dare us to kiss. Everyone stood silent, we both lean in and touched lips. "WO0o0!",the crowd cheers. We all walk back home, parting ways. You walk me home with a few others. I am yet given another kiss by you and we call it a night. Weeks later, it's Valentine's day and you hand me a bouquet of roses, holding a guitar on your left hand. We sit down, as I was waiting for you to serenade me. You never did. Instead I received something better. You asked me to be your girlfriend. I was so happy I nearly wet my pants.

Although we have been broken up a few times, it was very foolish of me to even think I could even get over you. I'm ever so sorry that I've caused you pain. I don't deserve you but I want you to know, you are the best thing that has happened to me. No one will ever know what we're about. I would die for you my love.

As I smoked this cigarette, I kissed my childhood goodbye.

The big 2-1...

I am not having the time of my life. If anything, life has become grim. I don't feel inspired, only tired. I've come to realize those worth suffering for and those here for the moment. I want to partake in life's pleasures but don't know how. Often viewed as a girl filled with joy but on the inside I feel like a stern hag. I really don't know what's wrong with the picture. I have good friends, I keep myself busy with school and I have an amazing man in my life. I've come to conclude that it's probably just human instinct to hate your life once in a while. I am clueless to what these symptoms are but I hope they get better soon. I'm tired of being moody and having emotions.

Day18:The Person That You Wish You Could Be

I only want to be me.

Day17:Someone From Your Childhood

Dear Tony,

You were the first boy I set my eyes on. I was five and you were nine, and we both lived on Hellman street. I was infatuated with you, probably stage three stalker status. We had a lot of good times playing in the front yard together. I still remember when we were playing with the water hose and there was a rainbow that led to the dirt, and when we dug into the dirt there were quarters! I put it on my life that they weren't premeditated. I also remember our long summers when we would get hungry and run to the local fast food joint to get one dollar fries. You were a nice boy to play with. I even remember telling my mom I wanted to marry you. haha

I hope you're doing well. Best wishes.

Day16:Someone That’s Not In Your State/Country

Dear Esther/E-money,

Boy how I wish you lived here in Los Angeles. I am still at odds on how you just vacated California high and dry but I understood that you needed to get away. You're 21 and so far ahead in life, making bank and already living successfully. I really do look up to you because you manage to find a way to live on your own without assistance from anyone. With you, there's always a way. I'm envious at the fact that you are naturally book smart, not to mention street smart.

Having you here for my b-day week was rejuvenating. Our pursuit to find kush in K-town was unforgettable. It was funny when that guy on the bike turned red when we asked him if he knew of places to find some reefers. Getting into that random car with those random dudes in order to get some kush and then finding out they went to elementary school with you was priceless. I guess meeting people in general is fun. That night was an adventure. I really enjoy our time when you're around, you have great advice to share rather than "I don't know" or "Dang, that sucks."I'm so glad you're not a waste of a human. And I'm very happy to mention that we have become so real with each other. You're not like the others who beats around the bush and sugar coat things because you're afraid it might hurt my feelings. You actually listen to what I have to say and you have never wished me the worst. It's unfortunate that I can't say that about most people I come across in my life. Bullshit to the side, you certainly can get on my last nerve but at the end of the day I know you have love for a sista. You definitely have grown on me. I recall you saying that one day you are going to be a multi-millionaire and I actually believe you, especially at the pace you're going . I just hope you don't forget about your Cambodian dumpling.

xoxo

Day 15:The Person You Miss The Most

Dear no one.

Day14:Someone You’ve Drifted Away From

Dear K******,

I miss you to reeses pieces. I never thought at any point we would become close. But we did. You looked like one of those stuck up "pretty girls". To my surprise you were that and so much more. My first impression of you being stuck up quickly dwindled away as we progressively hung out more. You had an outstanding personality and endless stories to tell me. At first I didn't know whether to trust you or not because you hung out with these group of girls that I wasn't very fond of. That soon changed when you informed me that you told Girl A that I had the best personality out of everyone she knew in the school. I then tested you to see how you would react when I waved to you while you were with those girls. I waved and you waved right back and yelled "Wassup Booo!".I knew right then and there we were going to have a great friendship. Most of the encounters you shared startled the living Hell out of me. You told me about a time where you were on a date with a guy and how he made you exchange sexual favors for him to take you home. I really felt for you when I heard that story because you told me you had no choice, you were helpless in the secluded mountains of Griffith Park and since you were on the mountains there was no reception to even call for help. To be honest, I probably would of done the same thing if I was in your position. I believe we were only 15 when you told me this story. It's crazy how we young'ns get mixed into these crazy situations. You also told me that you had gone to jail for stealing a car and that you nearly stabbed a girl because she tried to stab your pregnant friend in the stomach. There were also hilarious off the wall stories that you would tell me, like that one time where you sliced a piece of your vaj off shaving and how you cried all night long. That story made me almost drown in my own laughter. I'm sorry, I wasn't laughing at you but at the situation. I was prideful in being friends with you. Reason being was because you went through many obstacles and you still were pretty on the outside. The funny thing about all of this is that you don't look like the fighting type. It just goes to show that you shouldn't mess with pretty girls, cause they will cut a bitch.

I hope we hang out soon!

xoxoxoxo

p.s I had to leave your name anonymous because of the possibility of lurkers from high school seeing this.

Day13:Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

This doesn't apply to me.

Day12:The Person That Caused You a Lot of Pain

Dear Dad...

Day11:A Deceased Person You Wish You Can Talk To

Dear OG Grandpa,

Unfortunately I didn't speak Cambodian well enough to be able to communicate with you. I wish I did get to know you better. I feel bad because I did steal from you. I believe I stole 10 dollars from you at the most. I'm sorry. I was young, ignorant and desperate. 

Day10: Someone You Don’t Talk To As Much As You’d Like To

Dear Marcy,

You completely disappeared off the face of this earth. I hope you're not dead. I miss you very much. We met the first day of school. We had a computer class together and I would soon discover your love for drugs. I use to be your look out while you would snort crystal under the desks of Ms. Robinson's class. I was there the majority of the time when you would do cocaine in the girls restroom, making sure you didn't get caught. Even though I wasn't hardcore like you were, I understood you. I mean I knew well enough that just because you did drugs that it didn't make you a horrible person. In fact, you were a very good friend. We had many altercations with girls and even though it was you who had issues with them, I went along because you were my friend and I had your back. Out of my 14 years of living you were the only friend who stood by me and stuck up for me. You never let anyone talk shit about me and get away with it. I clearly recall a time when we had a problem with these two girls at school and they came up to us, you were ready to fight. I'm sure something would of happened if Mr. Hurst didn't get in the way. You were one of the realest girls I knew. You meant what you said and you did whatever you wanted to.You were mean and beautiful. Then sophomore year started, the first week you told me that your parents were relocating you to Mexico, I was pissed. They thought you were out of hand so therefore to resolve your issues you had to stay away from the bad influences in your life. High school was pretty bland after that...

I think about you sometimes, hope you are doing swell :)

Day 9:Someone you wish you could meet

Dear Courtney Michelle Harrison,

You rule. There is no one in the world that comes close to you. You are a spunky bitch. I wish I could be like you. If I was flamboyant as you people would be intimidated by me. I think that's a good attribute to have. In some ways I am just like you. Angry and Alone.

Your mother left you because you were out of control. My mother left because she had no control. You stated that your mom was a betraying treacherous bitch and maybe you are wounded ,and that is why yelling is so liberating. I feel the exact same way. It wasn't cool to learn that you punched Bikini Kill's lead singer in the face. But I guess thats just Courtney Love being Courtney Love. Even though you had many setbacks and were addicted to heroine, you finally recovered and started hanging out with Pamela Anderson more. I really wish I could have lived a life like yours. Maybe I can start now since you were my age when you decided to live on your own. Lucky for you, you had rich grandparents who gave you 5,000 a month to live off of.

I wish I can play topless at a concerts as you did. I'm certain your devotees enjoyed it greatly.

Love your biggest fan,

Jennifer Svay

p.s

I also don't agree with you getting three nose jobs. I always thought you were uniquely beautiful in your own way.

Day8: Your Favorite Internet Friend

I only have two internet friends whom I never met in person but know through mutual friends. I find this a rather boring topic, So I'm skipping to the next letter.

Day7: My Ex-boyfriend

Dear Josafag,

I fell hard for you and now that I think about it I don't even know why. I should of chose your best friend Ricardo, instead. You were not attractive, you had many flaws and you were an asshole. But you were really amusing. You were my very first boyfriend in high school and I remembered being oh so nervous. I used to get heavy anxiety attacks and would throw up every morning before the school bell rang because I knew sooner or later I would have to see you. We had P.E together and I used to dread running the mile, because I didn't want you to see me sweat uncontrollably. So I would purposely walk the mile as you ran with my friend Marcy. Marcy liked you too. But it's not my fault she wasn't clear about her feelings. Some days she would make fun of your bad acne, and other days she would tell me she liked boys with long hair. I remember the day you asked me out, she told me she was jealous. I was a little shocked because she would constantly remind me of how ugly you were. Any way I started acting like a bitch towards you because I suspected you of flirting with a girl named Wendy who eventually became my friend after this whole ordeal happened. So you broke up with me, and I had to admit that tore my world apart. I started crying and Marcy paid D'Anthony 10 bux to kick your ass. I wish I would of saw, I heard that he mopped the floor with your ass. It's funny because til this day you think I was the one who set the whole thing up when I didn't! A couple of months later and awkward run ins in the hallway,you had this friend who at the time I despised named Jose. I remember he was such a poser and did anything to get attention. One day he punched my friend Efren in the face,whom I was very close to, so of course I responded quickly. I asked my friend Marcy to help jump him. So when the bell rang I dropped him, repeatedly started kicking him and when he got up Marcy started punching him in the face. We got suspended but thankfully my parents were in Cambodia and my cousin came in to speak to Mr. Hurst. Who would of known that incident brought you and Marcy together? I remember someone told me that you told Marcy it was cool that she jumped Jose. You guys started talking and over the course of a day you guys got together! I was at a lost for words. I couldn't believe my homegirl would actually do some shit like that to me. In that event I stopped talking to Marcy. She then broke up with you because you had bad breath. And then we became friends again. You and I stopped speaking for a solid 2 years. I moved on with my new man Luis, and to my surprise you wanted to talk to me because you were dropping out of high school. I must say that was the most mature thing you have ever done. We reconciled, you shook my hair and told me I had cool 80's hair.We went to the movies and became friends again.

I still can't believe it took me 9 months to get over you. You weren't even all that. I realized I made the hugest mistake as you became less attractive while Ricardo became hotter by the second. It's cool though. Being edgy and wild was the thing that was most stunning about you. In the end, I would choose to relive it all over again.

p.s I hear you have a porno, I'd love to see it. haha

Day6: A stranger

Dear Stranger,

I met you when we were on the blue line. I was on my way to Los Angeles and you were on your way to Bakersfield. You had two lovely sons with you. One looked 4 and the one you had strapped on to you was 9 months old. I felt bad for you because you had your baby harness on while your other son was running around wild on the Metro. You came in pushing a stroller with numerous bags fastened to it, plus a back pack. You then exchanged a few words with the man standing next to me, I some how got into the conversation but then realized we had nothing in common and went back to listening my ipod. I noticed that you had a lot more to say about why you were traveling to Bakersfield, I didn't want to be rude so I took off my headphones to listen. You said that it was your sons birthday and your son really wanted to be with his father. I don't know your situation but I can tell that you have a big heart, I mean couples that are separated and share a child rarely get along lol. Your wrinkled hands, tranquil voice, and blank gaze showed me you've had your share of hard times. I don't know you and you probably have already forgotten all about me but I wish you well. I really wished I could of helped you carry your belongings to Bakersfield. Hope you had a safe trip.

Day5:My Dreams

If you ask me, I say dreams are windows to a parallel universe. I believe that when we fall asleep we continue our lives in another dimension.

As of lately I haven't really had much of a good sleep. I would like to remember my dreams, so I can absorb whatever I can from it because I find dreams to be highly complex and intriguing. Usually when I wake up from a dream I would try to remember them. I find that the harder I try to memorize a dream the further the dream fades. Furthermore I think back on having a dream I had several days ago. It was beautiful. I was dreaming that I was hanging out with a friend who had brought along her very appealing brother (These people really exist). We were strolling along the neighborhood on our way to a house party. The atmosphere was tinted blue. It was this very distinctive hue, something kind of like a Twilight movie but ten times better. As we approached the house I remember giving her brother a hug. But this hug wasn't an ordinary type of hug. It was one of those bear type passionate hugs, that feeling that I had in the pit of my stomach was indescribable. That hug represented that we were more than just friends. I would do anything to feel that way forever.

Reality then sets in as I am wakened by my 96 tears ring tone -__-

Day4: Relative

Dear Rosanna,

I wish you knew how easy you have it. You have parents who have unconditional love for you, and you neither have to work, go to school nor pay bills. You are 22 and just simply floating. I wish you would listen to my advice. You say you want to be productive, you say your parents are your only obstacle and that they wont allow you to go to school or work because of your diabetes. I am aware of your condition but that is a ridiculous excuse. There are millions of people out there who have diabetes that lead normal lives. When it comes down to it you are fearful of what the future has in store for you. If you really wanted to change your life you would. I just wish you will start doing something with your life because I care for you. I mean whose going to take care of you when your parents are gone? I just hope you would grow up a little for your own sake. Sometimes I envy you, but then I don't because if I was in your shoes I would realize that I am only hurting myself. Apart of me feels horrible for writing all these things but I say this with the purest love.

Day 3: My Parents

Dear Chenda,

I'm announcing you by your first name because you are nothing but a mere stranger to me. You abandoned us when I was five. Til this day I wonder how my life could of been different if I decided to stay with you and your new boyfriend instead of dad. But at the same time I'm pleased to not have left with you. I really don't know how to feel about you. I've hated and missed you at the same time. The last time we spoke was a little after you and dad split up, you were in a hospital and you told me you had made me a dress. I never received that dress and neither did I hear from you again. I've grown up to be known as the child without a mom and have had to deal with bothersome adults that would ask me endless questions about you. It was very awkward growing up without a mom. And just the way you moved on with your life, so did dad. He eventually remarried.

I hope that we do see each other so I can make aware that you're a traitor and how much pain you've caused the family.I don't even know why I have a picture of you on my Facebook page or why I have attempted to search for you. I'm done with all of that though. You're a coward and I hope that this eats you up every night before you go to sleep.

Dear Father,

It really hurt when you forgot about me. I remember how we use to be so close. After you remarried you just turned into this big Grinch. Nothing I said was right and I might as well have begged on my knees if I wanted something. I wish you were more supportive and didn't choose your wife over me. I remember asking you in elementary school if I can learn how to play the violin and you said, "No, the violin is going to make you deaf." Wow, just wow. I feel really bad that my little sister and brother have to grow up with parents like you.

Now that I am older I can list all the fucked up things you have done to me. When I was old enough to realize that you couldn't stop me from going out, you would chain the wooden door so I couldn't get in. Oh and you shouldn't have lied to me and told me that Chenda was dead, when she was really alive. I guess you figured it would of been easier to tell me that she was dead rather then alive to ease the pain. I really hated life living under your roof.I'm so glad I got to cuss out your wife, it was the grand finale before I moved out of that dump to go live in the dorms. I remembered you laughing at me because you said that those kinds of things only happened in movies. I'm so DAMN glad to prove you wrong. And now that your in a bind please try not to pull me down with you.K thanks.

At least you took me in and fed me. I'll give you that I guess.

Dear Momma Bear,

I love you and you are perfect even if we bicker about petty nonsense! I could have never asked for more.

Day 2: My Crush

Dear World History Professor,

A BIG thank you for making lectures pass quickly with your attractive looks. Even though you were in my life for only a semester, you made those four months worth while. I never understood the course material because I was too busy staring at you. I was mesmerized by your charm. It felt like only you and I were in the classroom, it was like the scenes from a movie. You and I locked eyes a couple of times, I hope it didn't make you feel uncomfortable. I can also add that I was absolutely mortified when you mentioned you had a girlfriend. Thank goodness it was finals, the break gave me a length of time to get over you. You were a clean cut version of Johnny Knoxville but with salt and pepper hair. You were the epitome of every girl's fantasy. God really took his time when he made you.

And babe if you happen to come across this blog, "Screw JEWWW!" because you are also guilty of admitting to me that you find your Calculus professor hot! So there, conscious cleeeeeared. *sigh*

xoxoxo

Day 1: To My Best Friend

To start off with I no longer believe in having a best friend. There can only be one best friend. That's why it is called having a best friend because they are the best out of the other friends.

Throughout my entire life I've only had one legit best friend and his name was Kevin Soh. I remember meeting Kevin in the third grade, and distinctly remembered that Kevin owned a galore of Hello Kitty/Sanrio trinkets. I knew right away I had to befriend him to get a piece of that. I would get mad over the littlest things just so he can feel sorry for me and hand over a bit of his Sanrio belongings in exchange for my friendship. I guess I can say I learned how to hussle others at a young age. haha

I recall a time when one of our classmates, Jessica (who we called bull nose) revealed to him that she had a crush on Kevin. His reaction was priceless, he said, "EEEW I'm telling!" When we got back to Mr. Goodelle's class who gave us ten minutes to tattle on each other, Kevin raised his hands and said, "SHE LIKES ME!". Ahhh to be young, I'm pretty certain he embarrassed the crap out of her.

We stayed friends for that whole year until he transferred schools, I didn't see him for five years until freshman year of high school. It was cool getting to know him all over again. I remember feeling extraordinarily special when he told me that he was gay because I was the first one who knew and it was good being first. I told him that it was o.k. and that he had my full support. After talking about it, I could feel his sense of relief.

When the movie "Mean Girls" came out, we watched it and claimed it to be our bible. Every time there was a sleep over we would pop in the DVD and even recited the words to the movie. We truly started to act like "Mean Girls" and paraded around our campus as if we owned it. Things were indeed great while it lasted.

Even though we don't talk anymore I'll always remember the good times we had. It's not worth it anymore to waste time and energy on being bitter over a disagreement we had over some horse faced bitch. You were a great friend, and no one can EVAR make me laugh as hard as you did. I sincerely do wish you well.

And to my good friends new/old ( You guys know who you are) Thank you. Thank you for being here to cheer me up and help me get by life. Thank you for making me realize that I am not alone in this world.